Or "Screwed (Alex G remix)," the debut single from Paris Hilton's as of yet untitled LP

If Ashlee Simpson and Hilary Duff didn't have you convinced that computers do all the pop singing these days, this song might put you over the edge. In some fucked up way it makes sense that today's leading accidental porno star/socialite has an album coming out (Lindsay Lohan and the aforementioned Duffster, you're in this luxury yacht too). Every album not done by a famous face is a wasted opportunity, people! We have empires to maintain!

I suppose it'd be sort of like shooting goldfish in a highball to write criticism of Hilton and co.'s musical output, if not for one thing: With how much money these ladies (and I use the term loosely) are worth, you'd think they would only hire the best talent and put out the slickest content since the boyband era. In Hilton's case, it seems more like she's content to put out just any schlock, knowing the celeb-obsessed will want a piece. "Screwed" is exemplary of that point; it's a non-descript voice miming along with backing that sounds like a dodgy Chumbawamba making nice with the Spice Girls producers. Whoever this Alex G fellow probably feels foolish for his output (unless he's as brainless as his employer), 'cuz word on the street is that Paris has petitioned the Black Eyed Peas to rework the track for a more rock vibe. Right -- Black Eyed Peas to make it rock -- OK. I'd say fuck it, just rewrite the song to be about being done doggy-style; that's a certified way to get attention (as if she didn't know).