OR "Have It Like That," the first single from Skateboard P (Pharrell) feat. Gwen Stefani

Forget Nick Denton; Pharrell's head is its own solar system. If he had it his way, we'd all be planets and moons revolving around his strange take on genius. Maybe 'cuz he still looks like a kid (dude's like, 32?) he expects us to give him diamond-encrusted wowwy-pops. I used to be, like, thee Neptunes fan. My friend and I could do the fucking "douo doo doo" noise Pharrell used to slip into whatever he touched. Watching this decline into absolute absurdity has been easy, actually, because it was so predictable. Being behind the boards was never enough for the P-man. If you were wondering when dude would finally knock over whoever's video he was cameoing in to mug, this be it. You have a Gwen Stefani cosigned joint (though her contribution might be sampled from a L.A.M.B. commercial, who knows) and a new name. Again, he expects that people will take his output seriously, even if the best his straight-edge mind (4 lyfe) could come up with is Skateboard P. I expect only platinum decks from now on.

What's a shame is that the beat is hardly the worst thing Pharrell's attached his name to (back-handed compliment, sure). Verses are dark, contain idiotically simple drum taps, and the production is reminiscent of the better part of the tracks from The Neptunes Present: Clones. The synth-string rave up is harder to vouch for, but if this was Clipse on the beat you'd be all "Oh oh ok, I can see whut he dewing there." Pusha (and whoever ghost-wrote his "Drop It Like It's Hot" verse) might want to stab P for what this track calls rapping. More like wrapping up an odd assortment of name drops among lowball brags. Shit man, I've got Playdoh on my sock now; someone put Pharrell back in the play pen until he's learned his lesson.