First off, what a boring and relatively conservative awards show. It was pretty obvious that the superbowl would set this precedent, but I kept hope alive. Now my hope is checked into a narcotics rehab. Anyways, here are some of the notes I took while watching the 47th Grammys:

7:03) Pirates are back in a big way in 2k5!

7:10) I wonder who got Alex Kapranos and the rest of Franz Ferdinand Revlon deals?

7:12) 76 THOUSAND PEOPLE GETTING RETARDED WITH THIS LOVE WHILE BEING TAKEN OUT -- ONSTAGE!!

7:15) Queen Latifah has abandoned bras for extremely out of place belts. Millions of gay men everywhere pray she chooses not to jump around.

7:25) Not even a half hour into the show and they're handing out lifetime achievement awards like they're breathmints.

7:26) Is Alicia Keys at all related to Alan Keyes? No? Ok, boring then.

7:31) What the hell is tattooed on the back of Jamie Foxx's head? A Nike swoop?

7:56) Latifah is driving me to drinking.

7:57) The set J.Lo and Marc Anthony are performing on looks like a Ramada Inn, or perhaps a discarded set for "A Streetcar Named Desire."

8:03) Yelling "Freebird!" just got astronomically less cool, if that were even possible.

8:12) Is it OK that I've finished a six pack by now?

8:35) Keys reps WGCI!! Keys reps WGCI!! Chicago love in the house!!

8:47) As good as Kanye West's performance is, I can't get over the use of shadowpuppets. Our country could use more of that, really.

8:53) Kanye wins an award, says "This is going to take a while." Well let me fix myself a drink. "Everyone wanted to know what I would do if I didn't win... *dramatic pause*... I guess we'll never know." This drink's for you, dude.

9:12) Billy Bob Thorton: the new Anna Nicole Smith (drunk, high, or riding a tall white horse).

9:25) Commercial for Heineken reminds us that Heinie is the official beer of the Grammys. Shouldn't they have chosen a hard liqour, like, I don't know, Maker's Mark?

9:31) U2 win some award for rock; "Franz Ferdinand is going to kill this country," sez Bono. KILL THE FUCKING TERRORIST COMMIES FIRST!!!

9:54) Dead people still winning lifetime achievement awards.

9:56) I had to wait this long for a little sex appeal and all I get is Usher dancing? I think there's one more beer in the 24 case...

10:03) Oh shit, it's not over? Let me ring my dealer...

10:07) Quoth my roommate: "Bonnie Ray looks like a big foot... a foot with red hair." More interesting than anything I had to say.

10:15) Album of the year goes to Ray Charles, which proves that dead people are the real winners at the Grammys.

After this I think I wrote something about "what are these stretch marks," but it's rather incoherent. Thanks for reading!